by Melanie Cook, an Iowan who escaped the "vortex" of a small town in Eastern Iowa to beautiful Colorado. Cook shares her story of the moment she came out as an atheist to a father whose own coming out gave her the confidence she needed to be honest about her lack of faith.
The moment had finally come.
43 years into my life, and I felt like I was finally pushing the little door open with my toe because I had discovered the latch was undone.
Here I was, in my driveway, talking to the only angel I knew on Earth: my father.
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| Two months old in my dad's arms in Yokosuka, Japan in November 1963. |
He never judged. He always accepted. He knew I'd been struggling with faith. (I almost wrote "my faith," but no, I've never owned that concept.) He knew I'd actually invested money in my search for truth. He had seen my white hardbound copy of god Is Not Great, a book that had randomly caught my eye on Amazon. I took the book cover off because I loved how it resembled the white family bible from my childhood, down to the gold embossed title.
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What I had read inside that book gave me courage and confidence! I WAS NOT ALONE!! The sentences constructed by Christopher Hitchens made me burst out in laughter at how silly the whole idea of religion – in this day and age – really is!
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| The freethought community lost a giant when Hitchens passed in 2011. |
Questions - in church - I always had them. "Stop asking so many questions and just believe! It's easy!" I was told.
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| The family 1970. |
Religious upbringing - got that covered too. I was immersed. Both my parents were extremely active in the Protestant church, being leaders there and pillars of the community in general. As a youth I was involved in some form of church activity at least four times every week. (Yes! I feel completely justified not to attend anymore after age 14 when we kids were given the choice. [OK! Exposure limit reached!])
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| The family 1979. |
I should mention here that I was consistently the kid who memorize the most Bible verses (to win the cool pens of course) - even more than my pastor classmate. I knew the Bible. (Heh. Heh.) "Study to show thyself approved..." (cough cough!!) "Go armed with knowledge..." (snicker) I had a tool or two in my supply closet upstairs.
Here I was with my father, whom I trusted more than any other human being. I felt safe here. Suddenly in my mind there was my daddy I remembered, coaxing me with loving arms stretched out, smiling, saying, "Go ahead!" Take your first step! You can do it! There you go!"
I felt the brainwashing in that moment. The words I had to fight to form with my mouth muscles and utter with sound through my throat. The word "atheist" was out of the question, at least for now.
My father waited. He would not judge me. He knew struggle. He knew conviction. He knew contempt. He knew COURAGE. He inspired me! (Dad "came out" to my siblings and I in 1976. As a young teenager, I remember at the time telling dad, "I don't love you any less," but after that the subject, or his defense of homosexuality, was dropped completely until five years later when I was ready to approach it. This event coincided with being given the choice to attend church or not. Dad "came out" to the Board of Deacons too! Yeah! Brave man! I understood he was excommunicated, but the family denies that.)
I took a deep breath. I wanted my words to be clear.
"Dad, I really don't think I believe in god."
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| Me keeping things metal. Thanks for reading! |
Contact Melanie with any feedback about her first ever blog post on the Secular Iowa News (S.I.N. blog) by emailing her at mead.melanie@gmail.com. If you're an atheist with ties to Eastern Iowa and you'd like to submit a post to our blog please email easterniowaatheists@gmail.com. Thanks for reading!
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